Rejecting Shame
The should-have-done-betters. The could-have-done-mores.
Ugh, here it goes again — one of those annoyingly unemotional emails from a service provider to your boss, outlining outstanding information beyond your deadline, and you’re having an out-of-body experience.
As you read, your heart rate goes up and your mind starts scrambling for all kinds of justifications, just to finally redirect this anxious energy to your self:
The should-have-done-betters. The could-have-done-mores.
Shame.
The Confusing Agenda Of Shame
I am proud of my work and want it to be perfect, and therefore, any questioning of my work equals questioning my knowledge and skills, and by extension, my personal worth.
Sound familiar?
And yet, isn’t this just a question, a guide towards a better future?
It sure would be, if it wasn’t for this nagging feeling of shame of not having done a better job, not being better prepared, not having worked longer on it… I am sure you have experienced your own demons of shame.
A feeling of shame can be a powerful barrier, always deeply hidden, always excuse-worthy, but never useful.
Embracing Opportunity
Let’s look at another example: In my mind I had created a great piece of writing, just to realize in a discussion with my client that it was missing key pieces to become outstanding to them. And I immediately dug in to improve it.
No shame at all. Just excitement to make it better.
Now that is the attitude I am looking for!
This made me wonder: What makes it so hard to maintain this open and curious outlook for all aspects of life, but especially our work life?
Why do we feel so offended so quickly when it comes to our professional achievements?
Do they matter more? Are they based on fear? And most of all, how can we shift from shame towards curiosity?
Rejecting Shame
What if we were missing a whole different level of creativity and fulfilment in corners we never thought to explore whilst stuck in our fear, pride and shame cycle?
What if that feedback opened new opportunities? What if it showed us that we are on the wrong path altogether, and that questioning and perhaps shrugging our shoulders and throwing it out may open the door to new and different opportunities?
Years ago during a training session, I was given a card with a quote on rejecting shame. I still have that card today. It reads:
“Today I will learn to reject shame. Shame is an overwhelming sense that who I am isn’t good enough.
I realize that I am good enough, and that my imperfections are part of being human.”
What would you do today if you could start over each day without the feeling of shame?
